Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

by Dr. Jeanine 8-25-07 copyright 2007 www.simplydivinesolutions.com

The other day I was in my car and listening to a wonderful oldie by the Lovin’ Spoonful. I think they captured what the decision making process is all about in their song “Did You Ever Have to Make up Your Mind.” “Did you ever have to make up your mind? Pick up on one and leave the other behind? It's not often easy and not often kind, Did you ever have to make up your mind?” A friend of mine was recently discussing with me the challenge of choosing from a bevy of bodacious beauties. Whether to choose from the heart or the head was a question that he seemed to be challenged by. What if he decided wrong? We’ve all made choices that were intellectual “It/he really looked good on paper!” Most of us remember Lady Diana’s solemn interview with Martin Bashir, not long before her death, in which she said that she felt like a sheep to the slaughter walking down the aisle to Prince Charles on her wedding day. However, she knew the tea towels had already been printed. Herein lays this challenge of the mind versus heart smack down. What if the heart and mind have very different ideas about how to decide? Sometimes “heart” decisions are thought to be emotional decisions, and we all know emotions can change on a dime. My favorite Lovin’ Spoonful’s stanza (below) from the same song gets to the heart of the matter. “Sometimes there's one with big blue eyes, cute as a bunny, With hair down to here, and plenty of money, And just when you think she's that one in the world, You heart gets stolen by some mousey little girl!” Prayer and meditation connect us to Source. Answers, and often miracles, may become available to us when we our not trying to solve our challenges with the same mindset that may have created them in the first place. When we are really stuck, we may want to commit to as much time in silence as possible. Sometimes our best decisions come from empty spaces. When we are quiet, open, and relaxed, we just might find ourselves having an “a-ha!” moment. I often find my best ideas and decisions come when I am in line at Starbucks. (I am sure they would come from sitting on a mountain top in Tibet if I could get there easily!). We want to “get present” when we are making an important decision. We don’t have the past or the future, but we do have this present moment. Sometimes, if time affords, it is best not to make a decision. During this time we may want to get quiet, be gentle, reflect, pray, meditate, go to a sacred spot, or participate in a ritual (sacred or secular). Talking to a friend (old and new can give different perspectives), a loving family member, a therapist, a sponsor, a (spiritual) life coach or even all these support people can help us make a decision we feel good about. When you need to make a decision, try to open your mind and search for different possibilities and perspectives. Look at your challenge from different vantage points. Asking yourself questions such as, “What would I do if I felt I had no limits?” “How might a decision be made in this situation that would honor and respect everyone involved?” A fanciful question such as “What would this challenge look like from the moon?” can help free up your mind for creative decision making. Having said this, I realize sometimes we are forced to make an immediate decision. How socially popular a decision is can often muddy our decision making process. In Dante’s Inferno the quote, “The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality” illustrates the importance of taking action when it is required. We must remember that slavery, the holocaust, the murder of Indians and all other horrifying historical acts went on because these ideas were in keeping with the beliefs of those who generated them. The followers, those who made the fruition of these ideas possible, were just going along with the popular ideas of the day. Because they were unconscious, they weren’t really deciding deliberately. By not deciding and allowing abominations to take place, like Shakespeare’s Lady Macbeth who cries “Out d***spot”, we won’t be able to get the blood off our hands. Often, when making difficult decisions, we can feel that we are choosing between two evils. This dilemma can lead us to make no decision, which I often remind my clients, is a decision. When we have to make a decision we are challenged by, we might utilize a decision making model in order to make the best decision we can. I’m not sure where The Decision Quadrant exercise comes from, but I have committed it to memory: Decision Making Quadrant Directions: Write and think extensively and exhaustively about each of these questions. What will happen if you do it? What won’t happen if you do it? What will happen if you don’t do it? What won’t happen if you don’t do it? I have also found that Kohlberg’s Moral Inventory (http://www.answers.com/topic/kohlberg-moral-stages-vop-gif) can be a wonderful framework for making ethical decisions from the highest ethical vantage point. Spiral Dynamics may also help us to gain context and perspective. One of my fabulous 20-something clients recently turned me on to Fergie’s latest song “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. While I know that big girls do cry, the rest of the lyrics ring true. In the song, the woman decides to choose her own peace of mind over a true love relationship. Miss Fergalicious sings: “I need some shelter of my own protection baby To be with myself and center, clarity peace, serenity I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It's personal, myself and I We've got some straightenin' out to do And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I've got to get a move on with my life It's time to be a big girl now.” While decision making can be tough, and we don’t have tomorrow’s 20-20 vision from today’s vantage point, let’s try to be conscious women and men and show up as awake as possible for the decision making process.

Jeanine Austin, Ph.D. Doctor of Life Coaching ~Simply Divine Solutions~Personal Coaching for Women Worldwide Women Transitioning, Transforming and Transcending Around the World www.simplydivinesolutions.com

jeanine@simplydivinesolutions.com